The Gospel of Thuriz_K.

[Jez]

When I was around 12/13, I stumbled my way across cyberspace, daunted by the monumental walls of text and the cold neon flash of porn popups, I eventually set my innocent gaze upon a fledgling website known as Neopets.com. At the time, I was using the monicker J6E6Z6Z (sidenote: hilariously I searched in google for my old screen name, and an old guitar tab I wrote when I was like 13 still exists).

I eventually was approached by a 20 something year old named Ze'ev who showed me the Neopian ropes and seemed like an all round decent guy, so I added him to MSN. It wasn't long before I was given an insight into what was perhaps either an elaborate troll or his acute psychosis, as he probed me with questions like: "Do you believe in magic?", "What do you know about demons?". After answering with a deep cynical skeptisism beyond my years, he wasn't deterred in convincing me that these things existed. He told me that he was the head of an organisation (the name of which I no longer recall), whose purpose was to keep the Planes of Reality in Balance (sic), which were under constant threat by demons, vampires, and other spiritual entities you may encounter in Dungeons and Dragons. I thought he was either a huge nerd, or expecting me to be some naive idiot he could propagate his fantasies on to, alas, what I discovered in the events to follow would provide heights of hilarity I hadn't experienced before, nor since.

There was at least 100 people who bought into this crap, they all believed that they were immortal souls (housed in mortal bodies, reincarnated) whose destiny in life was to fight demons and vampires on an 'astral plane' that exists beyond 'mortal' comprehension. When they reached puberty, they would start to recall memories of past lives which were littered with acts of heroism, magic, swashbuckling and freakishly lewd behaviour. They had forums and websites detailing an intricate lore and history spanning thousands of years, each person had elaborate backstories and relationships within their 'world'. In the very beginning I was quick to assume that this was some big roleplaying society, but I was quickly made aware that they actually believe that this shit was real. They we're all around 13-16 years old, except Ze'ev who was in his late 20's, looking back on it now I realise that it was some big fucking circle jerk of dumb outcast kids trying to belong to something, but the lengths to which they'd go to advocate their dedication and prove their belief was quite disturbing.

I decided to embark on my first trolling mission.

All the people in this society had 'soul names', which were the names given to the personality that their immortal soul embodies. It was riddled with classic fantasy cliches, weeaboo references and amateurist fumblings with Latin. I decided to make up a name of my own, and claim that meeting with the society had kickstarted the recounting of the memories of my past lives. After a brief search through pagan lore, I decided to use the name Thurisaz Kitania which were stolen from ancient pagan runic letters if I recall correctly, which I'd eventually personalise to Thuriz K'tae. That's pretty much the story as far as my old alias is concerned, I decided to use it in the animating community as having an alias seemed the in thing to do, and it was less emo than having 666 in my username. Although I'll continue writing about one of the more fucked up events that occured within this society, as promised in earlier paragraphs. If you're interested, please continue.

Because 'recalling' your memory of past lives was a vague and gradual process, people often tried to muscle in on other peoples backstories to suit their own purposes. This cult was largely based in Canada, but there were fringe members who werent so popular within the community. I seemed to fit in fairly well with the core group, but I would soon meet some of the weirder people who were more desperate to become elite in the social ordering, much like any internet circle jerk.

I met a girl whose soul name was Trinna Kaylend Astar. She said she was 18, but looking back on it now she was probably no older than 15. She tried to muscle in on my backstory as a way to further her position in the group. Now I was just doing all this for lulz at the time, I had my friends over laughing at the fucked up conversations I'd have with these weirdos about demons, and fighting DBZ style on the astral plane, but the shit Kaylend pulled is pretty much 2 girls 1 cup calibre regarding its grotesque quality.

She said that she was actually Thuriz' mother. She was constantly on webcam and pretty hot. The cogs of my prematurely sickened mind began to turn, as I hatched up a plan to make her prove herself to the group. I made another MSN account, and pretended to be a demon by the name of Barbatos, introducing myself on one of their forums. The society seemed to be without actual tangible enemies claiming that they 'project themselves to the astral plane to fight their battles' (ie: they fucking imagine it), and I reckoned they'd welcome the chance to actually interract with an evil personality, particularly this young dumb American chick Kaylend.

I promtly set about my intricate and villainous scheme, the very implications of which would shatter the foundations of decentcy and convention. I was going to make her show her tits on webcam. To do this, I first planted the seeds of an idea that, Kaylend also had a daughter, whose soul had not yet returned to the mortal plane. Kaylend lapped it up, strongly in support of anything that would enhance her backstory. However, there was a snag. The evil demon Barbatos had kidnapped her soul! Not allowing it to return to the physical realm! GASP.

Barbatos spoke to her on MSN, saying she'd have to provide a ransom in order to retrieve her daughters soul. That ransom just so happened to be, sexual domination, via webcam. She reluctantly began to do whatever I said, almost as if her belief in this whole 'reality' was cracking up at the seams, but she went along with it. Bear in mind I was 13 at the time and am thus excused from any moral discretion henceforth. She stripped, masturbated, etc. whilst I furiously screenprinted and pasted them into MSPaint. I also had two friends over at the time who were in on the whole 'immortal' thing as well (whom Anitude vets might remember as Ben (Nephi) and Kade Callous), and we were having a laugh riot whilst at the same time trying to disguise adolescent package tremors. After probably, a couple of hours, it was getting boring and I was about to relinquish and stop torturing her, when, I saw a kitten wander across her bedroom. Due to an unfortunate combination of the desire for peer appraisal and being a sick fuck, I told her to pick it up, it was a boy cat. What was to follow would forever remain an obscure legend amongst the adventures of my teenage years.

I prompted her to fellate the young cat, which some might say is not only an act of bestiality, but paedophilia, zoopaedophilia. She did exactly as she was told, but got quite upset in the process. She then retreated to her bed, naked, throwing the cat aside. She reached under her bed, and pulled out a rather impressive looking sword (I am fucking serious). She typed into the chat window, that she was going to banish me using a powerful spell and I had no chance of withstanding it. Being fully satisfied that the tete of this grotesquely hilarious drama had been drank dry, I played along, relaying my agony through the chat window, as she cut herself with the sword, still naked, closing her eyes and apparently yelling an incantation of sorts into the webcam. I went offline, as was the only way I could convey Barbatos' death, and sat with my friends in disbelief at how fucked up the evening had been.

I was dumb enough to give her my home address, so that she could send me (as Thuriz) a letter. The letter contained scary ramblings about Barbatos and how my sisters soul was now safe, and that she'd always protect me, her son. The letter was signed suspisciously in a deep red smear. I still have the letter scanned on my broken PC and would provide it here if it was possible.

After the cyber rape atrocity, I absconded from the immortal community, knowing that the last vestiges of my innocence had disintegrated forever in a combination of slit wrists and kitten precum.

[MisterTooh]

Dude, I read this years ago... On Smosh forums???

[Tim]

I read this ages on this forum.

[Jez]

This forum is for funny and readable content. O_O

Dude, I read this years ago... On Smosh forums???

I've only posted it here lul.